“E.L. Doctorow once said that ‘writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.’ You don’t have to see where you’re going, you don’t have to see your destination or everything you will pass along the way. You just have to see two or three feet ahead of you. This is right up there with the best advice about writing, or life, I have ever heard.” Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott
Right now, I’m sitting on my patio listening to the trees rustle and my neighbor’s garage open. The Sun is blinding. I’m sitting typing on my phone. My brother and nephew constantly interrupting any growing thought I might have.
I’m loving every second of it.
Last month, I quit my job. I walked out midday and didn’t look back. I screamed of victory and restoration. I screamed for joy. I screamed for freedom, which comes close to the freedom I felt the day I was saved.
One of my friends, my parents, my brother, they all asked me what it felt like, and for over a month I have been failing myself to describe what it is I feel. That quote is what it feels like. I don’t know where I’m going. I have no idea what I’m going to pass, but I know, eventually, I will get to where I’m supposed to be.
I look at the time, and I know if I were at that job, I’d be sitting in a grey cube, listening to people complain, and calculating the time in which I will be relieved. I wouldn’t have seen the Sun. I wouldn’t have experienced all the things that happen during my days now. There would be no volunteering, no serving. There would be no working my own hours and earning twice an hour what I made at that job. There would be no passion.
I’m grateful that the job I had was the provision I needed until I found the courage to step out into what is unknown. I thank that job for being what I needed it to be at that time, but my GOD, do I thank for saying, “It is done.”
So, I’m sitting on my patio, watching the Sun park itself behind my neighbor’s trees. I’m watching bees fly around my ankles. I hear my family playing basketball, and I feel it: My cup runneth over. I can only see a few feet in front of me. I have no idea what else I’ll get the privilege of witnessing, but I know it’s going to be good.
Life is not about doing what you want to do or about what you have to do, it’s about doing what God tells you to do. I was terrified of quitting because all I could think of was the bills I have to pay, but God says, “So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” It wasn’t until I left that I realized, my stuff owned me. I was living to pay bills and be mediocre. That’s not my intended use.
I’m not sure how or when the things I know to be true will come to pass, but I wholeheartedly believe, that they will come. I finally found the words to say, and it is a relief.